you say i'm different, but i stay the same
Saturday, Jan. 26, 2008 :: 1:51am
it's 1:50 in the morning, and i'm sure my posting at such an hour doesn't really surprise anyone. maybe that i'm posting at all might be a little jarring, but even still. 2am blogging where i'm whining is the norm. it's been the norm for 7 years now.
so much for changing?
every time i start to think i'm changing, i'm growing, i'm getting older, wiser, whatever, i seem to take a few steps back. stay up too late, stumble over something triggering, pull out that old habit again. and then suddenly it's almost 2am, i'm shaking and trying to fend off my panic attack.
sure, i asked for help this time, but then shot it down when it was offered. typical me, crawl back into that shell because hurting you is okay, so long as you're not hurting someone else.
one day i'd like to grow up and learn to function like a regular adult. you know, the kind that can turn off her head at the end of the day, and when she lies down before midnight she can just fall asleep. the kind that doesn't have nightmares and panic attacks while she's half asleep, or have to text message just to get relaxed enough to close her eyes.
i'm sick of feeling fragile and lonely.
i'm sick of being the same person no matter how hard i try.
i'm sick of my homeostasis being justified, even by my therapist.
i need something new.
at least when i was cutting, reactions changed. i feel stuck. everyone's sick of hearing from me, and i'm sick of reaching out. i've stopped trying, and why should i bother? it's not like i ever let myself get something out of it.
some days i can't see the reason why i stopped.
last five entries
- - Friday, Jan. 10, 2020
older but not wiser - Friday, Aug. 15, 2008
you say i'm different, but i stay the same - Saturday, Jan. 26, 2008
i open my mouth to scream, but all i make is silence - Wednesday, Mar. 14, 2007
just in case you wondered... - Thursday, Aug. 10, 2006
